Can’t Sleep
Filed under: Random, Rants at 6:25 am
I’ve spent probably the better half (or so) of the night crying. It happens sometimes, I don’t know what triggers it usually. When I was little it was always because I would think of how I would feel if my parents died. Morbid I know… but, after my father actually did die, I usually just thought about him and how much I miss him. Of all the things he was missing with me. My first boyfriend, my sixteenth birthday, my graduation, things like that. I would sit there at night and wonder if he’d be proud of me. Sometimes I would think about those last few months. It seems like I don’t remember much now. Just bits and pieces here and there. I remember the night they took him to John’s Hopkins for his bone marrow transplant. I remember visiting him in the hospital and playing video games with him and watching cartoons with him there. I remember begging my mom to let me stay because I didn’t want to leave. The day he came home, I remember running to the door and leaping into his arms. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that. It was 1996, three days before Christmas. We waited for him to come home to decorate the tree, we always did it on Christmas Eve together. It was our tradition. That was the best Christmas I ever had.
Wow, I got really off topic from what I started to write this about.
Like I was saying though, I usually don’t know what triggers nights like these. I know what tonight was though. Some movie came on TV, I was laying there trying to fall asleep. It was a movie about best friends. It made me think of me and Katie. God, I’ve known her since I was about two. She’s like my sister. Anyway, this movie just made me think about all the times we had as kids, good and bad. It just made me realize how much I miss her.
When I moved up here it got a lot harder for us to stay as close as we were. Living 45 minutes apart at the age of 12 does not make it easy to see one another. Those years that neither of us drove and we lived so far apart… we just sort of drifted. Not in the closeness that we have, but the amount of communication that we had kept. Now… we just lead completely different lives. I just miss being able to shout at each other from our back porches. I miss being able to run around the corner to my best friend when something goes wrong. I miss the sleepovers, the girly moments, being able to tell each other anything.
And try as I might, I’ve never been able to establish a friendship like I have with her with any other female. It’s never the same and I always feel like it’s me just trying to replace her. I think that might be part of the problem with me not really having any female friends. Because no one will ever be able to replace her and even if they could, I don’t want them to. Because I’ll never find another friend like her. She’s been through everything with me. When my father died, she was there every second for me. The moment she found out my father died, she was there, within minutes. She came every night to the viewing, just to hold my hand and cry with me.
I believe in soulmates. I also believe that everyone has two of them. One to share and build a family with and the other being your best friend. I have one in my life now, but I desperately miss having the other one there as well. I need to call her tomorrow (well today).
Hi! I'm Ashley, a twenty-three year old female from Maryland. I have a boyfriend, Mike, who's pretty fucking awesome. I spend the majority of my free time with him. Other then that all you really need to know is that I love spinning in circles when I think no one is looking and that I'm pretty much just awesome. 
