Song titles work great for blog titles. They don’t require you to put any effort into it. That = Awesome.

This entry will consist of lots of ramblings. So apologies in advance if I leave you behind somewhere.

I’m a much more complex being than I let on. My emotions run deep and true. Sometimes, I wonder why I hide it. A lot of the time I wonder why I hide it. Then my thoughts usually drift back to a conversation I had with my counseler. This was many, many years ago, mind you. It was right after my father died. We talked about the walls I had built up around myself. How I was afriad to let them down. I never understood why. Not then. But today, it sort of kicked me in the face. It scares me. I’m afriad to let all that emotion out because I don’t know how it will be received. So I keep it all tucked down, content to deal with it on my own. It frightens me though, how deep it actually runs. How much passion and zest for life I actually carry within me. And dammit, it scares me. If I feel this much, love this much, have this much relish for life, and acknowledge it, then dammit, it’s gonna hurt that much more when something gets shattered in it.

I don’t like that. It’s frightening and I don’t want to care that much. I don’t want to feel and I don’t want to deal with life. I know this, I accept this. A part of me has been fighting for that for a long time now. And slowly, slowly but surely it’s losing. I’m starting to care and feel more. And I don’t like it. I liked being able to sit in the dark and listen to melancholy music and smoke cigarettes and just drift off into nothing. Into the void where nothing matters. A great peace would come over me when I would do that. It’s becoming harder and harder to get there though. I guess it’s part of growing up. Feeling more, becoming more human. Caring. Dammit, I hate caring. It leaves too much room for hurt. I don’t like to get hurt. Because when it cuts, it cuts deep and leaves vicious scars.

And no, nothing bad has happened. I’m fine and content right now. I just got stuck somewhere between real life and that peaceful void today and was reflecting on the scars left on my soul. Cheesy, I know. Deal with it.