Can you see what I see?
Filed under: Random, Rants at 4:26 pm
Lately I’ve been digging deeper into the way I view the world and myself.
A lot of the time I feel like I’m in a movie. I feel like someone is watching me, trying to analyze my life. Understand what the thoughts in my head mean. I feel like my life is movie without a script. Everything I do matters to the big picture. Driving to the 7-11 at 2AM has a purpose. Everything has a purpose for the ending. And somehow, I feel like my life is entertaining enough to make a movie. At least for the people who have a twisted sense of humor.
I wonder what purpose each event in my life holds. Why did my father die? Was it to teach me that life is precious and to treasure it? Or was it to teach me that death is inevitable and the sooner I accept that the easier life will be? Or was it simply to make way for my mother to marry Stan so that I’ll have his influence in my life? Was it a combination of all three of them?
I constantly ask myself questions like this. Did I really have to have a horribly screwed up relationship with John to teach me to appreciate a good one? Did the accident have to happen for Mike and me to be where we are today? Why does Jen’s death bother me so much when I wasn’t really even friends with her?
I ask myself all kinds of questions. Random thoughts. All the time. Why can’t we kill people who really should be killed for the good of humanity without the repercussions or the possibility of them getting off the hook with a trial? Why does the government feel they have the right to decide if I should be able to have an abortion or not? Why do I always feel like once I’m getting back on my feet someone is going to kick them out from under me? Why? That’s all I want to know about life is WHY. Yes I know. 42.
Seriously though, I know sometime down the road all these things I’ve experienced will help me. My mother is a firm believer of “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.” and “God is preparing you for something later in life.” Well I want to know what the fuck he’s preparing me for. I’ve had a couple of pretty fucked up things happen and if it’s only going to get worse I don’t know if I feel like dealing with that shit. Can’t I just tell life’s problems to take a hike so that I can relax on a beach somewhere for eternity?
On another topic. Religion. God. Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I believe in the Christian faith? No. I adopt beliefs from all different religions. From the Wiccans “An it harm none, do what you will”; I believe that everyone should have the ability to make any choice they desire as long as you’re not harming anyone else. I also wear a pentacle necklace. My mother (A devout Catholic) saw this as a terrible thing, as she believes the pentacle is a symbol for the devil. It’s actually a symbol for protection and authority for the wearer. From the Dharmic religions (Hindu, Jain and Buddhist) I take karma. Karma is a sum of all that an individual has done, is currently doing and will do. The results or “fruits” of actions are called karma-phala. Karma is not about retribution, vengeance, punishment or reward; karma simply deals with what is. The effects of all deeds actively create past, present and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one’s own life, and the pain and joy it brings to others. In religions that incorporate reincarnation, karma extends through one’s present life and all past and future lives as well. It is cumulative.
Which brings us to another thing I adopt from other religions, reincarnation. According to such beliefs, a new personality is developed during each life in the physical world, but some part of the being remains constantly present throughout these successive lives as well. Though I have a warped view on reincarnation. I believe that we are reborn until God is ready for us to be in heaven by his side. As you can see, I am not wholly a Christian. Yes, I believe in God and that Jesus Christ was the son of God and he died for our sins, but I don’t believe much more from the Christian belief. A lot of people say that just believing that isn’t enough for me to go to heaven. Well you know what, fuck that. God created us and gave us free will. He loves all his children equally and I don’t believe that the seven deadly sins are really that deadly. They are human nature and even the most pure of souls can’t avoid them. So if God didn’t want us to sin the first place he wouldn’t have given us the ability. I think when it all boils down, if we’ve been a good person then we’ll be alright.
Actually when you get down the bottom of what I believe, I believe that everyone actually believes in the same God. We just have different names for him. As cultures are different, so will be the ways we practice our faith and religion.
Hi! I'm Ashley, a twenty-three year old female from Maryland. I have a boyfriend, Mike, who's pretty fucking awesome. I spend the majority of my free time with him. Other then that all you really need to know is that I love spinning in circles when I think no one is looking and that I'm pretty much just awesome. 
