Self reflection could be a hazerdous thing. Perhaps.

I don’t think I bother myself so much with who I am, but I have to admit, it bothers me when people write me off without actually understanding me. I have warped thinking processes, yeah. You just have to understand it to understand me.

Yes, I’m cynical. Yes, I’m bitchy. Yeah, I know I really come off as harsh and anti-social 95% of the time. I’m really not though, you’ve just got to understand where I’m coming from.

I am, as a whole, fed up with people. I have been for a very long time, I think. I’m just tired of the petty bullshit. I’m tired of everyone up in everyone else’s business. I’m just fucking tired of people as a whole.

No, I don’t care about stupid little problems. Yes, I will tell you that it’s stupid and petty. But you know something, if you come at me with a real problem, I’ll sit down, listen and try to help. Normally though, I just don’t care. Call it a product of my life if you wish. Of course, anyone who writes me off (which most seem to have) doesn’t know about everything that makes me who I am. They don’t even know a fraction of it.

I’d let them in though, if they wanted. I don’t hide things about my past, but I don’t shout my life story to the rooftops either. People only see what they want to see. They don’t look at the things that factor into how someone is. They don’t care to see the events that have made me bitter, cynical, and generally a bitch.

It’s okay though. I have a handful of people who have. You guys know who you are. And honestly, I don’t know what I would do without you. You’ve been there through the rough shit, you’ve taken the time to know me, the real me, not just what’s on the surface. And that, my friends, is saying something.

Five years ago I was just starting to come out of a dark place. I began to find myself and gave myself a chance to be who I actually was, not who I wanted to be. Back then, I couldn’t have told you where the time was going to take me. I didn’t have the slightest clue. I wouldn’t have thought that I would grow so far away from almost all my friends. I wouldn’t have thought that one of my best friends would be almost a decade older than myself. But there you have it. A few short years time can whisk you away to something completely different from what you had originally planned.

If you asked me five years ago where I thought I would be my answer wouldn’t be where I am now. It would have been to tell you that I hope I would have been close to graduating college, moving out on my own, and overall being an independent adult. Which, needless to say, I haven’t completely achieved. I have no one but myself to blame for my lack of progression though. When you really get down to it though, I still had some growing up to do before I could get to where I am now.

Life has tossed quite a few curve balls my way and I like to think that I’ve taken them with grace. Since I dropped out of college back in 2004 I’ve figured out quite a few things that I would have never guessed about myself. I saw myself for the petty teenager that I was and I’ve grown up. Took me a few years, but I’m getting there. I’m still stuck in my dead end job, but without that job I wouldn’t have met Amy. Or rather, without the accident I never would have been in CVS that night when I applied for the job. But because I was there I ended up with a job that has brought me some new friends who I think of like family. People tend to forget that things always happen for a reason. I forgot that for a long time which turned me into the bitter, cynical, though sometimes deep girl that you all see.

I’m often criticized for being bitter and cynical. You know what I respond to that though, I’m a fucking realist. I know the world isn’t full of sunshine and rainbows and it never will be. I take it with a grain of salt though, because, remember, things always happen for a reason. Make the best of what you have and stop fucking complaining or do something to change it. Because the world isn’t going to change to satisfy your whims.

I think I lost my main point somewhere along the way in this entry. What I was getting at is that you’ll never know where life is going to take you or what kind of blows it’s going to throw your way. Learn to take life as it comes and accept that shit is going to happen. You can’t always stop the bad things, but why would you want to? Without the bad things we’ll never understand the meaning of the good things. It’s been a long hard journey and I don’t see it stopping anytime soon. For any of us.

I think we take for granted that people are who they say they are online. We often forget the anonymity of the internet. I was sitting around, just thinking tonight. And I realized… I try to be incredibly open on my site about who I am and what I do, but when you get down to it there is a great deal of things that would surprise (perhaps even drive away) many of you upon finding out.

Seriously, if you think I’m vulgar on my website then you should have an actual conversation with me. (Ask Elyse, she knows.) I try to keep it as PG-13 on here as I possibly can given my characteristics, but you can only do so much.

Not to mention I drop racial slurs like it’s going out of style and quick. I’m also incredibly violent, cynical, bitter, generally angry, and an all around loner.

I really don’t like people and wish that most of them would just kill themselves or get hit by a bus. I can’t stand to be out in public for more than a hour or so at a time and when I am out longer I get incredibly bitchy.

I’m disgusted by old people and laugh at retarded kids. Yeah, I know it’s wrong, but that’s who I am and I accept that. Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad for them, but I still find old people gross (excluding my grandparents) and retarded kids are funny 99.9% of the time. You know you want to snicker, deep down inside of you, you know.

As for general hobbies, I probably do things that the majority of you would never ever guess I’d do.

My point being, you never really know who you’re talking to on here. You get slight glimpses into other people’s lives, but it really doesn’t mean anything to you without the rest of the pieces. You’ll probably never get the whole picture from most people either. Some things are just better kept in the closet.