Song titles work great for blog titles. They don’t require you to put any effort into it. That = Awesome.

This entry will consist of lots of ramblings. So apologies in advance if I leave you behind somewhere.

I’m a much more complex being than I let on. My emotions run deep and true. Sometimes, I wonder why I hide it. A lot of the time I wonder why I hide it. Then my thoughts usually drift back to a conversation I had with my counseler. This was many, many years ago, mind you. It was right after my father died. We talked about the walls I had built up around myself. How I was afriad to let them down. I never understood why. Not then. But today, it sort of kicked me in the face. It scares me. I’m afriad to let all that emotion out because I don’t know how it will be received. So I keep it all tucked down, content to deal with it on my own. It frightens me though, how deep it actually runs. How much passion and zest for life I actually carry within me. And dammit, it scares me. If I feel this much, love this much, have this much relish for life, and acknowledge it, then dammit, it’s gonna hurt that much more when something gets shattered in it.

I don’t like that. It’s frightening and I don’t want to care that much. I don’t want to feel and I don’t want to deal with life. I know this, I accept this. A part of me has been fighting for that for a long time now. And slowly, slowly but surely it’s losing. I’m starting to care and feel more. And I don’t like it. I liked being able to sit in the dark and listen to melancholy music and smoke cigarettes and just drift off into nothing. Into the void where nothing matters. A great peace would come over me when I would do that. It’s becoming harder and harder to get there though. I guess it’s part of growing up. Feeling more, becoming more human. Caring. Dammit, I hate caring. It leaves too much room for hurt. I don’t like to get hurt. Because when it cuts, it cuts deep and leaves vicious scars.

And no, nothing bad has happened. I’m fine and content right now. I just got stuck somewhere between real life and that peaceful void today and was reflecting on the scars left on my soul. Cheesy, I know. Deal with it.

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So, as many of you know, I’ve had serious car problems for the last, oh, two or so years. I’ve really been trying to keep ahold of the car I have now, because well, I don’t make enough money to buy a new one (or even a decent used). Well, my car is, pretty much, dead. They can’t figure out what’s wrong with it. The past two months I’ve had my car maybe two weeks. It’s been in the shop the rest of the time. I get it back, it works fine for a few days, it breaks again. Same thing. They’ve tried everything they can think of and they just can’t figure out whats wrong with it. Luckily, Ed hasn’t charged me for any labor, only parts. But at this point, I’m really stuck in a bind, because this means I don’t have any choice, I HAVE to buy a new car. Which means I have to get another job, or find a better paying one. Which honestly, I really don’t want to do. I like my job, I love the people I work with. So yeah, my stupid car has pushed me into a position I really, really don’t want to be in.

Because, leaving my current job would mean I have to get a full time 9-5 job with benefits, which means I can’t go back to school as long as I have a car payment. Which means I’ll be living at home until I’m like 27. -sigh- Life sucks. My Mom and Stan were looking at cars last night for me though. Of course, they were looking at every kind of car I don’t want to drive. And I’m stubborn and refuse to invest $10,000 in something that I don’t like. Which means, everything but a sports car. Yes, I don’t want another sedan, and yes, I refuse to buy an american made car. I really want an eclipse, but I’ve been hard pressed to find one for under $15,000. But! I did some searching last night and I found two. Both with 50,000 miles (give or take a few) on them, and under $10,000. Not to mention both are manual and have a sunroof. (Two of my requirements for a new car.)

First Choice:
Price: $9,980
Body Style: Hatchback
Mileage: 50,558
Exterior Color: Sterling Silver Metallic
Interior Color: Midnight
Engine: 4 Cylinder Gasoline
Transmission: 5 Speed Manual
Power Door Locks; Power Windows; Alloy Wheels; Tachometer; Air Conditioning; Tilt Steering Wheel; Day-Night Lever; Cloth Upholstery; CD Player; AM-FM Stereo Radio; Power Outside Mirrors; Dual Air Bags

Second Choice:
Price: $9,450
Body Style: Hatchback
Mileage: 50,346
Exterior Color: Torreador Red
Engine: 4 Cylinder Gasoline
Transmission: 5 Speed Manual
Air Conditioning, Power Steering, Power Windows, Power Door Locks, Tilt Wheel, Cruise Control, AM/FM Stereo, Compact Disc, Dual Airbags, Alloy Wheels, Sliding Sunroof

Anyway, now I gotta go get a loan, find another job, and get my ass straightened out. I gotta talk to Amy today when I go in, I don’t want her to read this first.

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Okay, Story from work. Woman who I will be mentioning: Comes in all the time, is ALWAYS trying to get some kind of coupon scam over on us. Usually for the $25 free gift cards we give for a new or transfer perscription (You’re only allowed one.).

So anyway, tonight I learned that she apparently tried a different coupon scam this time. Involving extra bucks. Well, on the bottom of our perscriptions is has the usual ad or coupon, ours always say about how you can earn $1 extra buck with every two perscriptions that you have a copay on.

Awesome, yeah?

So anyway, she evidently came in the other day when I was off and had brought a few of the front of the perscriptions back (the part where it talks about extra bucks). She then presented them to Brad and demanded her extra bucks. Oh, did I forget to mention that she FORGED MY FUCKING NAME on them and said that I told her that they were extra bucks. Well, Brad called over Amy who was like “that’s not Ashley’s signature.” She was like “Yes it is, she signed it.” and of course Amy (I LOVE my boss!!) was like “NO. It’s not. Ashley’s signature is WAY different than that, not to mention you spelled her name right. She never does.” (I don’t as a matter of fact, on purpose.) Anyway, yada yada yada, insert costumer BS.

But dude, I am SO fucking pissed. I wish we would have gotten her on camera, because I would SO be pressing charges if we had. Seriously, WTF is that shit?

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I’ve spent probably the better half (or so) of the night crying. It happens sometimes, I don’t know what triggers it usually. When I was little it was always because I would think of how I would feel if my parents died. Morbid I know… but, after my father actually did die, I usually just thought about him and how much I miss him. Of all the things he was missing with me. My first boyfriend, my sixteenth birthday, my graduation, things like that. I would sit there at night and wonder if he’d be proud of me. Sometimes I would think about those last few months. It seems like I don’t remember much now. Just bits and pieces here and there. I remember the night they took him to John’s Hopkins for his bone marrow transplant. I remember visiting him in the hospital and playing video games with him and watching cartoons with him there. I remember begging my mom to let me stay because I didn’t want to leave. The day he came home, I remember running to the door and leaping into his arms. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that. It was 1996, three days before Christmas. We waited for him to come home to decorate the tree, we always did it on Christmas Eve together. It was our tradition. That was the best Christmas I ever had.

Wow, I got really off topic from what I started to write this about.

Like I was saying though, I usually don’t know what triggers nights like these. I know what tonight was though. Some movie came on TV, I was laying there trying to fall asleep. It was a movie about best friends. It made me think of me and Katie. God, I’ve known her since I was about two. She’s like my sister. Anyway, this movie just made me think about all the times we had as kids, good and bad. It just made me realize how much I miss her.

When I moved up here it got a lot harder for us to stay as close as we were. Living 45 minutes apart at the age of 12 does not make it easy to see one another. Those years that neither of us drove and we lived so far apart… we just sort of drifted. Not in the closeness that we have, but the amount of communication that we had kept. Now… we just lead completely different lives. I just miss being able to shout at each other from our back porches. I miss being able to run around the corner to my best friend when something goes wrong. I miss the sleepovers, the girly moments, being able to tell each other anything.

And try as I might, I’ve never been able to establish a friendship like I have with her with any other female. It’s never the same and I always feel like it’s me just trying to replace her. I think that might be part of the problem with me not really having any female friends. Because no one will ever be able to replace her and even if they could, I don’t want them to. Because I’ll never find another friend like her. She’s been through everything with me. When my father died, she was there every second for me. The moment she found out my father died, she was there, within minutes. She came every night to the viewing, just to hold my hand and cry with me.

I believe in soulmates. I also believe that everyone has two of them. One to share and build a family with and the other being your best friend. I have one in my life now, but I desperately miss having the other one there as well. I need to call her tomorrow (well today).

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